| boy oh boy :) |
[28 Dec 2009|02:22am] |
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TIME TO BUY 4D PEOPLE.
ONE TIME AND ONE TIME ONLY
WILL YOU EVER SEE ME SAY THIS
BUT SERIOUSLY! THIS BOY IS DAMN CUTE. SUPER CUTE!
I WAN! GIMMIE GIMMIE!
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[27 Dec 2009|03:29pm] |
i want to blog something.
but i can't seem to describe it any better then the two words itself.
I-N-F-E-R-I-O-R-I-T-Y C-O-M-P-L-E-X |
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[22 Dec 2009|02:39am] |
ARGH!! I'M SERIOUSLY CRAVING A CUPCAKE NOW!!!!
I WANT IT NOWWWW!!
Chocolate Base accompanied with the most amount of icing that it can hold.
and! and!
dun forget the cherry on top!
omg lookings freaking good!
I WANT IT NOW! gimmie gimmiee! |
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[21 Dec 2009|05:00am] |
so I finally finish my essay! Its all done! Printed and burned into a cd! I'm already feeling christmassy just at the thought of "no more essays" at least for the next two weeks. So life seems to be pretty much going back to normal. My parents are finally back from manila and all I got was boxers and heck loads of my favority body lotion! No more housework and especially no more washing of clothes. Finally back to slping on my bed. It might not be no 950 threadcount but its definitely comfortable and cozy! Just the way I love it!
It's like 5 in the mornind and I have no idea why I have yet to go to bed. And this is not normal cause I usually knock out really fast and at anytime. Apparently I found a "new champion" that does it double fast and in a very violent manner too! Schools tml again and yay! It will be my last! :) for the next 2 weeks at least! Finally get to meet tiffy tomorrow! Then cable skii and mambo! Plus christmas parties! Its time I checked up on e movies too!! Okok I really should force myseld to slp. And my god. This is one random post!
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[20 Dec 2009|08:55pm] |
i realize i have very selected taste in the books i read. I can walk around Borders in search for a good book and never find it. The synopsis on the back has to interest me and i've been find that very hard. 100's of book and still ZIP!
It first has to interest me within the first chapter. May it preferably be a auto-biography if not let it be a very touching story. one thats that starts out sad and pathetic to have a heroic or touching ending. (sometimes i wonder if i like reading bout live's that are so sad. maybe that's why i think life is so horrible)
anyways, Christmas is soon. sad to say, i'm in no christmassy mood :( back to my essay. 800 more words!
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[20 Dec 2009|01:51am] |
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Thoughts for today...that will be only be old thoughts for tomorrow
Misery I feel miserable. For as long as i had a mind old enough to think for myself, i have felt miserable. but i don't know what about. i guess it's the great mysteries in life that create this sense of lose and sadness. and i think the only thing keeping me with such loneliness and sadness is my humanity but at the same time, the only thing keeping me sane is also my humanity. i feel like im suffocating.
Death i think in my life i have thought of death more times then Oprah has aired her episodes on television and as much as the thought of killing myself may seem like the dumbest thing anyone can do why do we still think of it. I believe we do cause to a certain level as dumb as it may be we still find a level of comfort just by the thought of it. to simply pop the pills or just free fall and let our hurt and pain slowly melt away.
Satisfaction i believe that in life, we are never satisified. and we will never be satisfied. whether is the wanting of more money or the needed of more love of the craving for more food. we as human beings find it very difficult to be satisfied.
Placing Have you ever felt in life you have never been more out of placed? I have. Sometimes i feel more out of place then, i dunno putting a cow in Zouk. Is it so hard to find somewhere i feel comfortable at or with? i feel alone. sometimes even in my own clique of friends, i feel like nothing but a complete stranger. gosh, i dun even feel comfortable with myself alone.
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[15 Dec 2009|04:06pm] |
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We always say we wish for the best when a new year comes along. And then the new year finally comes, we wish for the next year to be better. Its ridiculous. Doesn't it mean we always want something better. We are never gonna be satisfied. Ok angsty. F she won't stop sneezing!
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[14 Dec 2009|08:04pm] |
season greetings
presents and celebrations
friends and families
parties and food
decorations and bright lights
it's all starting to feel a bit like christmas
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[14 Dec 2009|07:44am] |
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Why does everyone just always assume. Or jump into conclusions. Do I seem to love every random guy that's comes along. NO, I DON'T.
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[14 Dec 2009|07:15am] |
I'm currently out, sitting alone in a major dilemma. So since I have time to spare. I thought ill blog with my bb on wats gg on. As everyone has already heard, no I didn't get in. They ask me one question - I didn't get it right and that was the end of my journey. Hopefully, ill try again and this time be more prepared bout the companies knowledge. Am I disappointed many would ask? Well I am. Of course I am. I felt like I wasn't given a fair chance but i guess it doesn't really matter anymore. btw - Thanks to the people who left me messages and calls of concern. They were greatly appreciated.
On a lighter note (again) zoukout was not bad. It was my very first zoukout and it was quite an experience. But everyone would know I'm only there for the mambo. And it was such a scam cause mambo ended at 2 and I was only there at 12. 60bucks - less then 2hrs of partying. Not coool. Boring. Frolick girls were awesome though. Had loads of fun! There's a redbull party tonight too, but think I'll skip it. Rather tired and have loads to do, starting with my studies.
Parents are currently overseas for the next 9 days. 7 now but I dun mind. When ya younger and ya parents go overseas, everything seems more exciting. Nw it's just ok lor bye and a lot of times I do miss them very much. Lucky there's my bro! Which is finally at home to stay rather then being either in camp or campus. Nw if only he'll wake up so I can go home!
I really dun have anything else to blog, but I'm tired and I wanna slp.
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[11 Dec 2009|05:51pm] |
is it true? what they say about love? that when you fall disgustingly in love you would do anything for the person. to give up your friends? to let go of your dreams? and to live only for him or her? or is this all a myth, a fairy tale we all choose to put ourself in? this is probably the 100th entry i have typed just based on love, and till now i can truly say i am still trying to answer the questions to this thing called love. it's sickening.
anyways on the lighter note, did you know that whenever your in the bathroom, it's the best time for idealogical and baby genius thoughts? it's true. cause the last time i checked you dun really need that much focus doing ya business or showering. Therefore you are able to let yourself wander.
I mean no one actually concentrates when they shower. two quirts of the shampoo, 5 of the soap, a small palm full of face foam. It's all just pretty much a standard and natural thing to do. splash splash splash. ok super random entry. i really should be packing and getting ready. toodles.
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[09 Dec 2009|11:13pm] |
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i seriously feel like shit. FML. FML. FML. today was not a good day. it was bad then good, and i had to ruin it all again and make everything bad. seriously can someone slap me, shove me in the cupboard and lock it. WTF is the matter with me!! sometimes i just think i'm so dumb. now he probably hates me. and it matters. he matters. plus he probably has more questions and doubts in his head then the population of china! and all i can do is stay home, bang my head against the wall and say a million times i'm god damn sorry. FML. FML. FML.
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[09 Dec 2009|12:14am] |
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My Invisible Friend
As I sit in church and look at the dancers dance away, I can’t help but remember memories I left behind. The times where instead of them, it was I busting those moves, directing those plays and attempting to try to meet all deadlines, which by God’s grace I manage to meet every one of them.
Sometimes I question was leaving the recreational activities I use to do for church the right decision? Just so everyone knows, I left cause I was so exhausted trying to make so many things happen, that I just got fed up trying to it. I forgot why was I even doing them.
So was the decision I made really the best? And would I have lead a better life staying in church, serving in those ministries that many people of the younger generations, seem more excited then I ever was?
I still sometimes wonder if there still is a chance of ever returning back to that lifestyle? Or is it pretty much over and never to return again? A few months ago I joined the worship team cause I wanted to serve God to commit to a ministry, and even thoug
h I haven’t done much for them, I can already say the feeling is not the same. There is a lot less politics and a lot more freedom of comfort cause well everyone who knows me, knew I never really fitted in fully. But on the downside being in the worship team just isn’t as fun and homely as I had imagined it to be. I have been feeling this for several months now. Yes the church made me feel a little upset at times, or a bit out casted but that missing spot in my heart still always felt full when I lay my head on my bed.
Sometimes I wish God was physically available, someone I could actual see. Someone I could actually have lunch with - face to face. Not through the bible or through prayer. I think that is something I really really hate. Having a physical friend stay a friend forever is already a challenge; try having a friend you cant see. Plus, on top of never being physically there, he would often challenge me or to do something I obviously didn’t feel comfortable with. He would sometimes even stop me doing something I wanted too.
You would think that having a friend like that I would have abandon a really long time ago. But I haven’t. I still take him as my God, my father and my holy spirit. SOMEONE I WANT AND NEED IN MY LIFE. to be brutally honest, a little reason for that is cause I don’t want to go to hell and I don’t think I should hide that or be ashamed, I really don’t want to burn in eternal hell!
but on the lighter note i really do love HIM. let him guide me and to trust that he knows what’s best for me despite me sometimes feeling totally against the plan he has for me. It’s like the over whelming invisible love and to be honest I don’t think I’ll ever trade it for anything else in the world. The feeling shows me even if the whole world fails, I would have him. That he would guide me and he would never forsake me (such a cliché right?) but it’s all true, he is what keeps me warm in my bed, and when I’m feeling most alone – he fills it.
I bet people who are not christians - must have a huge question mark on their face. all i can say is EXPERIENCE IT YOURSELF. Try it once, and if you don't like it then fine. what do you have to lose? i dare you!
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[07 Dec 2009|02:34am] |
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"we will always have questions for tomorrow,
regrets of yesterday and mistakes of today"
Today I went down to the church youth camp, a camp of fond memories which now is something i've totally outgrown. and even till now its comforting to know that the church and it's songs of worship is the place i still find to be most homely and influential, in a good way of course.
Today's church visit has got me thinking. Thinking alot about everything that has happen. the good, the bad. and the many mistakes i've made over the year. i've made so many, it's thicker then the whole series of encyclopedia. and i've came to the conclusion as i'm nearing a new year that too much has happen in my life. it feels just like yesterday i was running around in the garden with the only worry is not to lose my doll or make it dirty, and then *slaps - i'm 20. and to be honest out of all my life i find this year to be one of the most challenging out of all of the years, but i think thats part and parcel of growing up. no one ever said it was suppose to get easier. I feel that this year i not only had to try to go past the obstacle of relationships; learning to handle them correctly and not letting your emotions get the best of you, even though i have learnt that emotions play a huge role in everything and anything you do will affect each other. We as humans sway so easily that an angry emotions can soon turn into an emotion of gushing love as fast as a snap of a finger. i know i have, indecisiveness happens to everyone. i have also learnt independence; to stand on my own two feet. to relay on my own and to understand that the life is mine to make something out of it.
"life's a gamble, you win some you lose some. just like the decision you make; some rounds gives you a royal flush, some just a regular pair and some just makes you feel the gamble was a mistake to began with"
I have also came to terms with myself that the mistakes i have made i can no longer erase, so why keep harping on them? i should and move on. to stop hitting myself with regret but to be firm with the decisions i made on moving on. I can't change the past but i can jolly well change the future. i have learnt that for the next four months, it will be my most crucial time as i transit from the phase of being a full time student to being a full time employer of a company and hopefully of SIA. I have an interview at SIA, this Saturday and people that know me would already know that i have been seeking this dream as long as i could remember, that everything i have planned out for myself for the past years have been to this aim of being an SIA girl. you would think, after so long, i would be excited but to be honest i'm feeling everything but excited. I'm feeling worried. i'm feeling skeptical. and worst i'm feeling scared. It's kinda like a ball game, you have been playing it for so long and when you eventually reach the final game, you can either be the best and score that last point to victory or choke. and i cant help but feel i'll do nothing but choke. and if i choke, no one is going to be more disappointed then i'm going to be more disappointed with myself. i'll even bet my life i'll cry in bed watching tv with two tubs of ben n jerry's ice cream. so i ask myself - should i go for the interview? i talked to a fishy out there, and he told me if i don't go, i'll never know. and it's true, i would never know but the saying "ignorance is bliss" is also not a quote thought of without reason. So what shall it be?
"We are not deserving of another day in this world, it's a gift given to us"
In life i have learnt that facing up to the disappointments are part and parcel of life. It's inevitable but you need to learn to push on no matter how hard it may be. You can cry and you can scream in your room. God knows how many times i've broken down and burst into tears that no matter what i tell myself i cant seem to stop the tears from rolling down my face or wish my life would end. but to end it, would show courage but it would also show stupidity and selfishness. I keep telling myself that when i'm out of your room (my comfort zone) to be strong, to not let everything affect me and to know there is always going to be a new day. another day to try to make a difference. and that in life it's not a 100m dash, its a marathon that requires excellent pacing, determination and tolerance.
Nicole, it's time to get out of my hole, and experience life the way it should have been all along.
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[05 Dec 2009|04:30am] |
Today i was talking to a friend about his relationship problems, and i came to the conclusion that in all if not most relationships - they are all the same bullshit. It's always the same stupid problems. and the break up's are always similar. it's always one party wanting a break while the other one doesn't. you rarely but occasionally maybe 1% get a break up where both parties feel its time to just end it. now those are easy break up's.
and my goodness, did you know most of the times that couples most fight about are the smallest and most insignificant things that in the long run actually make no difference on the actual relationship. and as stupid as everyone can say I know it, these problems just cant seem to be inevitable.
Today the same friend send me a poem he plan to send to his girl, to try to salvage the relationship and as happy and excited as i was for him to continue seeking this love he claims to over whelm him, i couldn't help but smirk at myself and think what a bunch of bullshit i had just read. As miserable as this sounds, i think i came to a point in my life where i love you's and sappy poems just aint enough. and to me they are just a bunch of words that are cheap, if not FREE.
i can still remember the times where i use to do it, the "I love you's", sappy love poems and daily letters to the one and only i gave my heart too. The feeling was over whelming and to be honest apart of me hope those feelings with come back. soon. At least that would show me 3 things. One - it would take away the hate, anger and numbest away. two - it would make me believe in something magical again. i always enjoyed the feeling of loving and being loved back. and three - i would have someone once again to call my own, to be able to share my days with, no matter good or bad.
in conclusion all i can say is if your in a happy relationship, dun ever think that it wont work cause of all the other shit that has happened in the world already. If it's anything, cherish it more cause i seek what you have! i know one day i'll believe in this thing we call "love" again and I really hope it'll be soon, before my heart turns fully into a heart of stone and the feelings gone and never to returned again.
p.s actually i think this entry is just another bunch of bullshit too - love is bullshit. but i know for now it's just the part where my heart got broken doing the talking. i just want to be happy.
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[04 Dec 2009|06:44pm] |
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I dun believe in words. Poems and I love you's.
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[04 Dec 2009|01:21pm] |
Cry Me Out
by pixi lottI got your emails
You just don't get females
Now, do you?
What's in the heart
Is not in your head
Anyway
Mate, you're too late
And you weren't worth the wait
Now, were you?
It's out of my hands
Since you blew your last chance
When you played me
You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself
Baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away
When I found out
How you messed me about
I was broken
Back then I believed you
Now, I don't need you
No more
The pic on your phone
Proves you weren't alone
She was with you, yeah
Now, I couldn't care
About who, what or where
We're through
You'll have to cry me out
You'll have to cry me out
The tears that'll fall
Mean nothing at all
It's time to get over yourself
Baby, you ain't all that
Maybe, there's no way back
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away
Gonna have to cry me out
Gonna have to cry me out
Boy, there ain't no doubt
Gonna have to cry me out
Won't hurt a little bit
Boy, better get used to it
You can keep talking
But, baby, I'm walking away
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[04 Dec 2009|12:38am] |
Let's fall in love again
by Jason Castro
Let’s pretend baby
That you’ve just met me
And I’ve never seen you before
I’ll tell all my friends
That I think you’re starin’
And you say the same to yours
And oh, we’ll dance around it all night
And then I’ll follow you outside
And try to open up my mouth
And nothing comes out right
And I wanna fall in love with you again
I don’t have to try
It’s so easy
Who needs to pretend?
But because it’s so funny
Let’s just think about it, honey
Let’s just fall in love again
I’ll call you in three days
Not too soon, not too late
And I’ll ask your roommate if you’re home
You call me on Thursday
And we’ll hang out all day
Then fall asleep on the phone
And oh, I’ll hold your hand when we drive
And we’ll lose track of all the time
And we’ll tell everyone
That we ain’t never felt so alive
And I wanna fall in love with you again
I don’t have to try
It’s so easy
Who needs to pretend?
But because it’s so funny
Let’s just think about it, honey
Let’s just fall in love again
We’ll fall disgustingly fast
And we’ll stop hangin’ out with friends
And they’ll be so offended
And I wanna fall in love with you again
I don’t have to try
It’s so easy
Who needs to pretend?
But because it’s so funny
Let’s just think about it, honey
Let’s just fall in love again |
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[02 Dec 2009|12:14pm] |
 Sooo true.
we fight so easily, we then start to lose control of our emotions
and then for those few days we feel like dying,
but before we know it.
we would fall back into each other's arms again
more in love then ever before |
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[02 Dec 2009|02:12am] |
On the outside, I might laugh and I might smile
But on the inside
I'm crying. Wishing for it all to end.
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nicoleyann's journal
